drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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