I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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