Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
