What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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