i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
