Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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