You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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