You're my little dorito
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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