I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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