if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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