just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
