I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
