tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
