You just made me feel so damn special
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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