youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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