No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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