An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
