Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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