I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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