I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
