Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
