I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
