My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
