Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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