I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
