She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
