This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
