Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She just used a chaser for red wine.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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