I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
