Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
