Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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