I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
