A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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