I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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