omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
