Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
