You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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