So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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