he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
