twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
