Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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