i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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