You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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