do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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