I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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