Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
