I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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