You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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