Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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