Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
