Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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