I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
