My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
