I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
