She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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