i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
