Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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