Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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