First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
