Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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