Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
