i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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