Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
